When the Inner Critic Gets in the Way: How Self-Doubt Affects Our Relationships

We all have an inner voice — that quiet running commentary in the background of our minds.

Sometimes it’s encouraging and reassuring, reminding us of our strengths and values. But often it can be harsh, critical, or demanding. It points out our mistakes, questions our worth, and tells us that others see us in the same unforgiving way.

This inner critic can be relentless. It says things like “You’re not good enough,” “You always mess things up,” or “No one really likes you.”  When we live with this kind of inner dialogue, it can slowly undermine our confidence and shape how we relate to others.

Even when people around us offer kindness or reassurance, we might struggle to take it in, because that internal voice feels louder and more convincing.

Where the Inner Critic Comes From

The roots of self-doubt often stretch back into our past experiences. Perhaps we grew up in an environment where we were criticised, compared to others or where love felt conditional — something to be earned through achievement or good behaviour. Or maybe we learned to minimise ourselves to avoid conflict or rejection.

Over time, those early messages can become deeply ingrained beliefs about who we are and how we “should” be. The inner critic becomes a kind of internal protector, trying (in its own misguided way) to keep us safe — by preventing us from standing out, making mistakes, or being vulnerable. Unfortunately, the cost of that protection is often a sense of isolation, anxiety, and disconnection.

The Hidden Cost of Self-Doubt in Relationships

When we carry a strong sense of self-doubt, it can affect how we show up in our relationships — often without us even realising it.

You might find yourself constantly second-guessing what you say, worrying about how others perceive you or apologising for things that don’t need an apology. You may struggle to believe that others genuinely care for you, waiting instead for proof that they’ll leave or disapprove.

Self-doubt can also make it difficult to express needs and boundaries. You might fear that asking for what you want will seem “too much” or “selfish,” so you keep quiet to keep the peace. Over time, that can lead to resentment or emotional distance. On the other hand, some people respond to their inner critic by striving harder — trying to please, perfect, or perform in order to feel accepted. While this may temporarily soothe the critic, it can also leave you feeling exhausted and unseen (see more on this topic in my blog about people-pleasing).

In close relationships, the inner critic can act like an invisible third presence — one that distorts communication and connection. Even loving partners, friends, or family members can’t always reach us when our inner dialogue tells us we’re unworthy of care or belonging.

How Counselling Can Help

In humanistic counselling, the focus isn’t on labelling you or diagnosing a problem, but on exploring your unique experience with empathy and curiosity. The counselling space offers a gentle, secure environment where you can begin to notice and understand the voice of your inner critic — where it came from, what it’s trying to do, and how it affects your life today.

Through the therapeutic relationship, you will start to experience something different: being listened to without judgment, being accepted just as you are. This can be profoundly healing. As you feel safer to explore your inner world, you may begin to uncover parts of yourself that have been silenced or ignored — the parts that long to be seen, valued, and heard.

With time, counselling can help you to:

• Recognise your inner critic and understand the messages it gives you.

• Differentiate between your authentic self and that critical inner voice.

• Develop self-compassion, replacing harsh self-judgment with kindness and understanding.

• Build confidence in expressing your feelings, needs, and boundaries.

• Strengthen your relationships, by learning to trust and connect more openly.

  
  

Reclaiming Your Inner Voice

Learning to live with less self-doubt isn’t about silencing the inner critic entirely — it’s about transforming your relationship with it. Instead of letting it dictate your worth, you can begin to meet it with understanding, recognising that it often speaks from fear rather than truth.

Counselling can help you rediscover your own voice — one that is grounded, compassionate, and aligned with who you really are. As you begin to treat yourself with the same understanding you might offer a loved one, you’ll likely notice shifts not only in how you feel about yourself, but in the quality of your relationships.

When self-acceptance begins to take root, connection follows naturally. You can show up more fully, love more deeply, and feel more at ease being yourself with others.

If you recognise yourself in these words, you’re not alone — and you don’t have to keep battling that inner critic on your own. Reaching out for counselling can be the first step toward building a kinder, more confident relationship with yourself and with the people who matter most.